+izZiT oVeR? cOs I dUn wAn iT to bE+`
i read someone's blog. and boy am i so affected by it. actually came home today and all, was feeling quite aiights though in sch i was pretty pekcek at a certain time but its all ok after awhile. well, i guess now its not pekcek, its a mixture of sadness and longing. you know sth, i dun wan all these to happen. i know it will but i dun wan. i even broke out of my comfort zone to make sure it din happen. everyone knows i dun make first moves, yet i did so.. a million times. but it seems like it din work, everything went to waste.
everytime i came online, ur blog was the first thing on my mind. its the same today but the entry was really impactful. i kept thinkin bout it over dinner, i din know how to reply or wad to say. but i guess it doesnt really matter. i dun wanna choose my words anymore, i wanna pour out everything on my mind right now.
i hate the word temporary. cos i dun wan our relationship to be liddat. i wan it to last, maybe for another ten lifetimes and if God permits, a few million more. losing a friend is like a cut thru my heart. it means i cant talk to tt person like i used to anymore, it means that person wun be dere for me anymore. and in this case, its a very deep cut. i was scared to get closed to you cos i know it'll make parting harder, yet i risked it. so yeaps, i risked and i got hurt badly. i dun like the feeling.
the gradual stop of everything wasnt nice at all. you made me so used to the night convos and frequent msges. now that its all absent, i feel wierd as if sths missing. i dun wanna say anything cos maybe u din wan em anymore. but keeping quiet wun work. i feel that i'm almost startin everything first, i dun like that. but still i continued despite the many times i told u i'm gonna stop. this friendship is too precious to lose. but yet its still going down the drain.
i din mean to sound as if you're not important. i had alot in my mind. everytime i see you, i always wonder how long more till we're gonna really become strangers. how long more will my nightmares come true? perhaps the way i'm treatin u aint right, but i'm bad at dealing wif lost. i try my best to control, but it always never succeeds. somehow sth will leak, and den i lose control.
you msgin became so rare. its like once in a blue moon. i've always replied ur msges man. maybe some sounded dull cos i was having a bad day or sth. sorry bout that. i din mean to reply after so long, its jus that i was having tuition in the dining room whilst my phone was left at my charger in my room..
there's like a barrier btwn us now. communication breakdown or sth. yeaps. i dunno how to go bout solving it too. i feel damn extra sometimes man. its like i dunno how to talk to u when you're wif ur friends. i feel as though i've intruded into a situation whereby i'm unwanted. also you seem happier wif em, you all crap and play more. so why should i be the spoiler? why should i go be the wetblanket.
i'm still human. provoking each other is common wad. i'm not some high society person. i dun like to be classified as someone whom pple around should watch wad they say and stuff. i dun like friends to be on their guard wif whatever they do around me. it aint comfortable and natural for em. i dun wanna make em awkward. i dun wanna make u feel this way too. if bf and ppg can be themselves, why cant you?..
if i have a chance or a choice or sth, i wld change everything. i dun see why mus it always happen to us. izzit really suppose to end up this way. if so, its totally unfair. i wld go all out to make a difference. but den again, i cant cos i'm only me. wad good does it benefit if only i wan it to go this way..
i dun wanna be the one in the future sayin "hey.. how's you? its been many years since i've seen you." whenever i see you somewhere by chance. i wanna be the one saying "hello! remember tmr we're going out k! have fun." this sorta thing. aiya, i dunno wad to do also la..
i dun wanna look back into this chapter of my life, filled wif regrets. i dun even wan it to be a chapter wif an end. heard bout the neverendingstory? yeaps, i wan it to be liddat.
but den again. its not for me alone to decide. fate plays a part. and sometimes, i hate fate cos it made no good outcome.
whatever the case. you'll be remembered and definately not forgotten. the freakin flyer always stays in the heart of all my memories. and i hope that somehow, this wldnt be the ending i want it to be..
